Pass that Dutch (Lessons Learned from the 2010 World Cup)

After twenty six minutes of overtime and two destroyed vocal chords, I witnessed Spain win the World Cup. To be honest, I didn’t care about either team. Sure, Spain has Gerard Piqué (above), the first mentally deficient player to make it to a World Cup final, but the Dutch also had an entire team of Joran van der Sloot lookalikes (that guy who murdered Natalie Holloway and some Peruvian chick).

Horribly insensitive remarks aside, the final match was incredibly tedious and we need to lay some ground rules to prevent the 2014 cup from sucking so much:

1. Instant Replay

I understand that FIFA and its referees are just now catching up to the eighteenth century but it’s time that they incorporate some twentieth century technology into this twenty-first century world.

2. Coed Teams

France can’t even properly racially integrate a team without severe cultural turmoil so why not mess with them even more by requiring both men and women on the field? Besides, I don’t think anyone even knows about the Women’s World Cup (I think that’s on right after the Puppy Bowl).

3. Vuvuzelas Now Considered Weapons

They already assault our ears so let’s turn vuvuzela boxing into the world’s trendiest, new blood sport!

4. Shakira Banned from All Future World Cups

“Waka Waka (This Time for Africa)” has to be one of the worst combination of sounds (it’s not really a song, is it?) since “Who Let the Dogs Out?” and for that, Shakira will never be forgiven. The lyrics were lazy and when I do the Waka Waka dance in my house, my dog barks at me (maybe there’s a racial component?). She should have just done a cover of “African Child.”

5. Americans Stop Pretending to Give a Modicum of a Shit

Oh? It was offsides, you say? Well that’s funny because I was just watching baseball and I don’t really give a fuck, to be honest.

6. Paul Worship

Paul the octopus has successfully predicted eight matches of the World Cup. This means he is our new god. Jesus/Paul take the wheel.