The Other Round of 16

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but America has (finally) caught World Cup fever. It’s taken 80 years, two disallowed goals, 270 minutes, and Landon Donovan’s right foot, which will most likely be cast in gold at the end of the tournament. Even my little brother, who could only name 4 US players as of last Sunday, has suddenly become a “fan”. But, with or without the support of America’s major TV networks, we’ve made it to the round of 16. And yes, during the last two weeks I’ve suffered about two dozen heart attacks and wept more tears than I would like to admit, but we’re here.

For those of you who haven’t quite caught onto the World Cup yet (ladies, I’m talking to you), here are 16 beautiful, chisled, athletic reasons to start watching. We all, meaning freaks like me who follow soccer more often than once every four years, know what the round of 16 bracket looks like, as of this afternoon, but I’d like to introduce a different kind of bracket to the blogosphere. So grab your vuvuzelas, start up those USA! chants, and get ready to play…

The Round of 16: Hottest Player Edition

Anyone with a drop of Estrogen in her body who has been watching the World Cup knows what I’m talking about. Those soccer players. They’re gorgeous. USA, Spain, Uruguay, the Netherlands, the list goes on. I had originaly intended to create some sort of bracket for these players, but let’s be honest, I’ve made my decisions and here are the results. If you have  a problem, leave it in the comments section. And yes, half of these players are American. Get over it.

16. David James (England)

It was very difficult for me to include an English player on this list, but seriously, just look at him.

15. Nicolas Lodeiro (Uruguay)

Yes, he’s kind of a pretty boy, but one look into those gorgeous brown eyes and he’s melting my Ginger heart.

14. Cacau (Germany)

Still hot, even when he sweats.

13. Rafael Van Der Vaart (Netherlands)

His smile is adorable.

12. Xabi Alonso (Spain)

I don’t think any team has a player with cheekbones so chisled and facial hair so perfectly scruffy.

11. Fernando Torres (Spain)

I don’t know if you’ve seen pictures of what his hair used to look like, but if you have, you know that Fernando wins most improved. Hands down.

10. Landon Donovan (USA)

Loses points for the receding hairline. Sorry Landon, please use some Rogaine. This kind of makes up for it. Work that stanky leg, Landon.

9. Jozy Altidore (USA)

So adorable.

8. Oguchi Onyewu (USA)

Don’t you just want him to give you a big hug?

7. Clint Dempsey (USA)

Remember what I said about Alonso’s cheekbones and scruff? Well I was wrong. The award goes to Clint.

6. Jay DeMerit (USA)

He needed 5 stitches on his tongue after the Algeria game, and did a somersault over the pile of bodies celebrating Donovan’s goal. Sexy.

5. Carlos Bocanegra (USA)

Hottest. Captain. Ever.

4. Diego Forlán (Uruguay)

The abs. The hair. Also, I recently realized that Josh Lucas + Bradley Cooper = Diego Forlán

3. Dennis Aogo (Germany)

I’m actually going to excuse his tacky earrings because he is so cute.

2. Benny Feilhaber (USA)

So hot. And funny. Watch him on Studio 90, he’s great.

1. Michael Bradley (USA)

Sorry boys, this wasn’t even a competition. Michael wins hands down. By a landslide. No need for tiebreakers. Thanks for playing.

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