The Evolution of Lindsay Lohan

How did America’s favorite red-haired girl who finds her long-lost twin at summer camp become America’s most feared club-goer?

For years now, Lindsay Lohan has brought unrelenting shame upon the Ginger race, with her theivery, tanning overload, drug and alcohol addictions, fame-hungry family, DUIs, lies, and egoism. Most recently, she has filed a lawsuit against E*Trade for using the name Lindsay in one of its Super Bowl ads (because NO ONE else in the world can be named Lindsay now, she’s like Oprah. or Madonna. or Jesus). And just this weekend, she angrily tweeted that a bouncer made her wait in line to get into Trousdale Club in Los Angeles. Oh, the trials of a former teen starlet who is faced with the sad reality that she is no longer relevant. Anyway, let’s take a look back at what led her to her sad state today…

Stage 1: Adorable, freckle-faced charm in The Parent Trap. She does the Ginger community proud.

Stage 2: In a slightly more mature role in Life Size with Tyra Banks, she keeps up the tomboy charm while tackling the quintessential Disney dilemma of a lonely parent and a borderline-unhealthy relationship with something that shouldn’t be able to communicate with humans (in this case, a Barbie doll).

Stage 3: The first sign of things to come, our little Lindsay overdoses on self-tanner and starts a fight with Hilary Duff over Aaron Carter.

Stage 4: Lindsay adopts some not-quite-flattering blonde highlights and pretends to be a “rocker” in Freaky Friday, in a seemingly last-ditch effort by her agent to maintain her innocence.

Stage 5: A Mean Girl is born. This movie marks the last time that the Ginger community dares to associate with the Teen Queen.

Stage 6: In an effort to sex up her image, Lindsay throws out all of her bras and might have gotten some, ahem, surgery to help out.

Stage 7: Sensing the backlash from her new look, Lindsay doesn’t eat for a year. She also dyes her hair blonde, possibly as a result of mounting pressure from the Ginger community to disassociate herself from redheads and freckles.

Stage 8: DUI arrest. Cocaine. Alcohol monitoring bracelets. You’ll notice that again, she is no longer a Ginger.

Stage 9: Realizing that her fame is slipping away along with her grip on reality, she attempts to attract the world’s attention again by implanting two watermelons in her chest and forcing them out the top of her dress. Sadly, it seems that this effort was too little too late (or maybe too much too late?)

Stage 10: We arrive at the present. Lindsay is still struggling to come to terms with the fact that even Us Weekly doesn’t care anymore. She has resigned to the fact that in order to make headlines, she needs to either file a ridiculous lawsuit or get arrested. Here’s to the future Linds…

Advertisement